Allan Zhang

Hydrangea

2026-10-14T00:00:00.000Z

wait for me

wait until the world falls asleep,
and when not a soul stirs ’cept for yours,
let the walls of your heart fall.
take a step into the garden of the soul,
unfettered by the mind’s shackles.
pluck the wilting rose by the roadside;
wonder not why it smells sharply of iron
and return it. bloodied, continue on
exploring the flora to your heart’s content.
when the world begins to rouse,
spare a moment to find the rose once more.
petals to nose, inhale deeply and laugh;
sweet, floral, fruity, not a trace of metal
can be detected

unamed

I wrote this poem with a friend, I wrote the non-indented lines

mystifying whirls of sand rise up from the ashen dust,
raging along the desolate expanse with little care.
clouds gather at the horizon, preparing for the demystifying,
for there is no mystery in the earth water cannot unveil.
few travel through the unforgiving land;
none make their home amongst the dunes of sand
for the desert cannot be tamed by man nor life.
yet unlife traverses the eternal wastes;
despairing cries rise to heaven, unseen as wraiths but not unheard—
for the rain will soon cleanse the earth of danger and death.
harsh winds and scorching rays preserve its everlasting beauty,
the unsullied perfection created all those years ago.
cool breezes and gentle shadows begin to promise new beauty,
the disruption and creation of perfection for ages unborn.
when the sandy tempest finally begins to calm,
gold rains from the heavens, too pure to be touched.
when the skies have cleared and the air has calmed,
gold rains from the heavens, too pure to be touched.

michael

my friend, tame thy tempest of thought
and listen to the heart once again.
lay down the lance of logic and drink
no more of the ground gourd!
walk with me where reason is rejected;
let us speak with sighs and glances sent,
loosen our tongues and laugh with our bellies.
the reign of rationale runs tight, though
far below thy brow, the heart remains free

Of Human Bondage

2026-09-08T00:00:00.000Z

It took me two years to get through the first fifty pages Of Human Bondage, but only two days for the last 400. Maugham’s work is strikingly beautiful and poignant.

Of Human Bondage moved me so much that I almost regret not reading it the day I got it. It’s uncanny how much of my life mirrors that of Philip’s; I also struggled with my Christian faith, and came to the conclusion that God isn’t real. Much like Philip, I ascribed this “enlightenment” to my intelligence, though Maugham suggests the conclusion had been settled by our temperament.

Philip and I were “embarrassed by the weakness of human nature” and full of contempt for humanity. We also began to believe that life is meaningless. The realization set us free — we were exhilarated at the thought of being our own masters. It also made us miserable, and left us unable to choose anything at all.

As I neared the end of the novel, I started to wonder what would have happened if I had read this work a few years earlier. Could I have skipped out on the plethora of painful moments my naivete got me into? Philip and I made many of the same mistakes, and came out with similar beliefs. If I lived through him, could I have learned the necessary lessons without hurting myself and others? Lo and behold, the answer to my counterfactual was already in the book. Philip remarks, “I daresay one profits more by the mistakes one makes off one’s own bat than by doing the right thing on somebody else’s advice.”

A Future, Ideal Allan

2024-11-13T00:00:00.000Z

“Who am I?” is a question every human who has escaped an existence of solely hunting and foraging to survive (meaning everyone reading this) has asked themselves at least once. Even though this question in and of itself doesn’t carry a negative connotation, for many, it very much does. To be fair, when asked this, certain people may already have an answer ready, or are comfortable enough with their identity that they can arrive at an answer immediately. Congratulations to these individuals! They have overcome existentialism and will live fruitful lives!

But what about the rest of us? What should we do when we are faced with one of the fundamental questions of life and can’t produce a response? Firstly, let us feel consoled by the fact that the previous type of person is very rare. In many cases, they may be conflating their identity with an entirely separate aspect of life. The second thing worth noting is that this question rarely arrives out of nowhere. It shows up after something has gone wrong, e.g. failure, rejection, or some other form of hardship, though as I’ll argue, the hardship itself isn’t quite the culprit.

For example, let’s consider the scenarios of a professional pole vaulter who fails to qualify for the Olympics for the third time, a senior in college who gets rejected from every PhD program, and a neglected housewife trapped in a loveless marriage. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to assume that these people would eventually reach a point where they question their entire identity.

But what exactly causes these feelings of doubt to surface? In my opinion, it largely stems from a lack of certainty in the future, rather than anything internal. An athlete who achieved their lifelong dream of competing in the Olympics would experience less dissonance between their envisioned future and reality, giving doubt fewer chances to surface.

Conversely, the student who was banking on going to graduate school and working in industry afterwards would have their entire world upturned when they get turned down by every program. The housewife faces a quieter rejection. Silent dinners and different bedrooms open her eyes to the fact that there is no happy family, and there can’t be. In both cases, reality shatters a vision of the future, their psyche begins to crack, and negative emotions propagate through their minds. Everything comes into question, such as “Why did I want this?”, “What will I do now?”, “What do I truly want?”, and “Why did I want that before?”. Eventually, everything coalesces into THE question: “Who am I?”

For the better part of last year, I had a very definite plan and idea of what my future entailed. Every single thing I did day to day, at least in some part, was to bring life to this dream of mine. However, as life often works out, I was faced with the harsh reality that this future was no longer in the cards for me. In a single day, my dreams, hopes, and aspirations were shattered. Without the motivation to work towards this goal of mine, I fell into a deep depression, but quite interestingly, I completely lost my sense of self.

But why would the loss of this future, which wouldn’t even be available to me until decades later, bring into doubt my current identity? While I couldn’t gather myself to do any soul-searching at the time, I think I’ve somewhat figured it out by now. I confused who I was with what I wished for. In other words, I conflated my sense of self with a theoretical future. I didn’t see myself as Allan, I relegated myself to someone who merely worked to make a future, ideal Allan exist.

The problem with this lies in the fact that we cannot control the future. Granted, we can do certain things to tip the odds in our favor, but we can NEVER ensure something occurs. Imagine that my dream is to go to Princeton University for graduate school. I could work tirelessly towards making this as close to a reality as possible by studying diligently, conducting research at labs, reaching out to professors, reading literature, etc., but at the end of the day, my fate isn’t ENTIRELY in my own hands. I could have rubbed my prospective PI the wrong way or gone down a dead/solved research path.

The point of this hypothetical wasn’t to make excuses for rejection (just work hard without the fear of failure plaguing you in the back of your mind!), but to demonstrate that sometimes things are truly out of our control. As a result, something we have no control over should similarly have no significance in defining us as individuals.

Don’t conflate your goals with your identity! You are so much more than that. Instead, I propose this to you; first, find several ideals and convictions you can confidently stand by. Some of my beliefs are that people should strive to understand the world around them, treat everyone with respect, and that financial freedom contributes to happiness. From this foundation, I may focus on how I want to act and express myself, as well as eventually planning on goals I would like to achieve. Dreams are a bit more spontaneous, but they are just as important.

Initially, there doesn’t seem to be a huge difference between goals and ideals. Structurally, “I want to go to graduate school” and “I want to learn more about the world” look identical. But the former is in part granted, while the latter hinges solely on you. An admissions officer can deny you a degree and an absent parter can deny you a family, but NOTHING can refuse you curiosity. Ideals will always be unilaterally yours, but goals may require permission from others.

That’s why the order matters. From my first ideal, I make it a point to be well-read, studious, and perpetually curious. This, in tandem with my third ideal, might lead me to form the goal of going to graduate school. Not only would it allow me to better understand the world, but it would also enable me to potentially land a higher paying job, which could help my future family live a happier life. But if I were to fail to get into graduate school, my core tenets and beliefs should remain firm, as should my identity. The goal was downstream of the ideal, not the other way around.

So, when you don’t have an answer to “Who am I?”, take a minute to find your ideals and convictions. Don’t allow moments of weakness or setbacks to make your belief in yourself waver.

Although intertwined, my aspirations and sense of self are inherently not the same. As a result, no matter what happens in life, I can stay true to myself. Or that’s the plan I guess.